One sunny afternoon, an 82-year-old lady named Mrs. Eleanor Whitmore was pulled over by a highway patrol officer for going 70 in a 45 mph zone. The young officer approached the car, glanced at the fluffy pink steering wheel cover, the bobblehead cat on the dashboard, and Mrs. Whitmore, barely peeking over the wheel in her giant sunglasses and leopard-print sun hat.
Officer: “Ma’am, do you realize how fast you were going?”
Mrs. Whitmore: “Well, I had the radio on really loud, and the car seemed to be enjoying it. I didn’t want to kill the vibe.”
Officer (smiling slightly): “License and registration, please.”
Mrs. Whitmore fumbled through her enormous purse, pulling out items one by one: a tin of hard candies, knitting needles, a dog leash with no dog, and a laminated church bulletin from 1993. Finally, she handed over her license with a grin that suggested she may or may not fully understand the seriousness of the situation.
Officer: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
Mrs. Whitmore: “Of course! You young folks are always looking for an excuse to talk to a classy older lady.”
Officer (trying not to laugh): “No ma’am, you were speeding.”
She leaned in, squinted at his badge, and said, “Well, Officer Martinez, I’ve got a casserole in the oven, a cat stuck in the laundry hamper, and a bingo game starting in 20 minutes. Unless you want a riot at the senior center, I suggest we wrap this up.”
The officer was completely thrown off. “Okay… but speeding is still—”
Mrs. Whitmore interrupted: “Now listen, Sonny. I’ve been driving since Elvis was skinny, and if I made it through the ’70s without a seatbelt and with a map the size of a tablecloth, I think I can handle a little extra speed on a sunny Tuesday.”
Before the officer could respond, she added, “Besides, I was being tailgated by some maniac on a scooter. I think he was trying to race me!”
Officer: “Ma’am… that was a kid on a tricycle.”
She gasped. “He’s got a future in NASCAR, I’ll tell you that.”
After a long pause, the officer finally chuckled, gave her a warning, and told her to slow down.
As he walked back to his car, Mrs. Whitmore rolled down her window and shouted, “Hey! You single? My granddaughter’s a nurse, great cook, and only slightly more sarcastic than me!”
He laughed and waved her on. And Mrs. Whitmore drove off into the sunset—at exactly 45 miles per hour.
Mostly.
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An elderly couple returned to a Mercedes dealership find the salesman had just sold the car they were interested in to a beautiful woman.
“I thought you said you would hold that car until we raised the 75K asking price,” said the man. “Yet I just heard you close the deal for $65,000 to that lovely young lady over there. You insisted there could be no discounts on this model.”
“Well, what can I tell you? She had the ready cash, and just look at her. How could I resist?” replied the grinning salesman.
Just then, the young woman approached the old folks and handed them the keys.
“There you go,” she said. “I told you I could get this joker to drop the price. See you later, grandpa.”
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An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary.
The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.
Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered and found the old desk they’d shared, where Jerry had carved I love you, Sally.
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money – fifty thousand dollars!
Jerry said, “We’ve got to give it back.”
Sally said, “Finders keepers.” She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money and knocked on their door. “Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?”
Sally said,”No.”
Jerry said, “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.”
Sally said, “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile.”
The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him.
One said: “Tell us the story from the beginning.”
Jerry said, “Well when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday…”
The first police officer turned to his partner and said, “We’re outta here!”